Eve Takes One for the Team... Again
Tuesday, November 7, 2006 at 11:48AM This post is Rated R for strong language and explicit sexual content.
That's right, it's about ministry.
Unless you've emerged from a lengthy coma in the past couple days, you're probably already painfully aware of the recent news stories about Ted Haggard, the pastor (and very politically active opponent to same-sex marriage) in Colorado whose alleged lover recently outed him as both a closet homosexual and a meth user.
Dang.
In case you were wondering, he didn't wake up one morning and say, "I think I'll wear my blue tie today. No, I think I'll start using illegal drugs and try putting my penis in another man's anus for a change." It's a long, slow and subtle process to which anyone -- present company certainly not excluded -- can fall prey. I'm not writing to criticize Ted Haggard. I've been in ministry for almost twelve years, and I know firsthand how things like this happen: of his own free volition, he made a string of very poor choices, and now the consequences of those choices are raining down on him. So is anyone else to blame for his imperiled career, marriage and spiritual health? No. But am I here to shoot the mortally wounded? No.
No, what has me angry enough to put up an R-rated post isn't the dishonorably discharged pastor... it's what Mark Driscoll, nationally-recognized pastor of Mars Hill Seattle, had to say about factors that contribute to such moral catastrophes. Who are the people he suggests are failing men in ministry who "fall" (as though they were innocently strolling along and got tripped) into sexual immorality?
You guessed it... their slovenly, frigid, fat, ugly wives.
From his blog:
"Most pastors I know do not have satisfying, free, sexual conversations and liberties with their wives. At the risk of being even more widely despised than I currently am, I will lean over the plate and take one for the team on this. It is not uncommon to meet pastors’ wives who really let themselves go; they sometimes feel that because their husband is a pastor, he is therefore trapped into fidelity, which gives them cause for laziness. A wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband in the ways that the Song of Songs is so frank about is not responsible for her husband’s sin, but she may not be helping him either."
A few minutes after I'd read that, when all the bile that had shot up into my throat started trickling back down to its rightful place, I had to laugh... not because it was the least bit funny, but because of the unbearable irony of a man blogging about another minister's adventures in extramarital sodomy and, in glorious Freudian-slip fashion, using the phrases lean over and take one.
Of course, once the laughter subsided, I was left with a question that I suspect immediately came to the minds of the other women in ministry who've seen the article (no, not "how much is airfare to Seattle and where did I put my pruning shears?", though I imagine that runs a close second): how many pastor's wives have admitted to intentionally "letting themselves go" and feeling okay with it because they feel their husbands are "trapped into fidelity"? There must be an overwhelming number of them if Mark can say it's "not uncommon" to find one. Of course, if that isn't the case, we can only logically conclude that he is making such a determination after staring at lots of other men's wives (a practice I doubt he would encourage in other ministers trying to avoid sexual temptation) and then spending time contemplating how much hotter they could be if they really applied themselves.
It's good that this came up, really, because just the other day I was thinking to myself, there aren't quite enough extramarital sources of criticism to make a woman in ministry to feel weighed, measured and found utterly wanting... sure, having men around her treat her like a five-year-old, a coffee table decoration or a waitress can be thoroughly demoralizing, and other women in the average congregation critiquing her outfit, her child-rearing, her singing voice, her makeup, her casserole and her housekeeping can put her in tears at least a couple days of any given week. I still see a tiny glowing ember of dignity remaining among us, though, and that will obviously need to be snuffed. But with all the other bases so well covered, what's the one thing left that could irreparably demolish a woman's sense of self-worth? Hmm...
That most pastors he knows "do not have satisfying, free, sexual conversations and liberties with their wives" may or may not be true, and may or may not surprise me. If I were the gambling sort, though, I'd bet my purdiest negligee that he has no idea why those wives don't freely extend "liberties" to their husbands, and I doubt he's bothered to ask. Whether those men have unrealistic expectations (hint: lighting a candle and quoting I Corinthians 7 does NOT constitute foreplay) or are blissfully ignorant of their wives' needs doesn't seem to matter.
So even though Mark concedes that "[a] wife who lets herself go and is not sexually available to her husband[...] is not responsible for her husband’s sin," the implication is as clear as K-Y: whatever her reasons, if a minister's wife doesn't aesthetically keep up with the competition and part like the Red Sea every time her husband raises his staff, she should feel at least partially responsible for driving her husband into someone else's arms.
Or hairy white ass, as the case may be.
If it's to be said that someone is leaning over and taking one for the team, I hate to break the news, but it isn't Mark.
It's us.
Reader Comments (8)
I noticed in Driscoll's blog the mention of not falling prey to the many single, young members of his church because "Thankfully, [he] was married to a beautiful woman." It is very unfortunate to Mrs. Driscoll that Mark credits his fidelity to her beauty. Please pray for this marriage when age and gravity begin to take their toll.
I, personally, am willing to take one for the team if it will open a greater discussion about the perpetuated lie that men/husbands seek outside sexual fulfillment because their wives are "not good enough" physically. Men/husbands truly long for intimacy with their wives, period...it completes them, satifies them, nurtures them. If wives would realize and own this then it would reverse the very negative reciprocal cycle that occurs in the marriage to bed to an awesomely positive one. Sex is an amazing marriage builder, as I believe God intended it to be.
Lovingly, another pastor's wife
i think part of standing there with my mouth hanging open with nothing to say is rather fitting. how much of a response does it really deserve? and there are really too many things to say in response anyway. grrr....
so has mr. driscoll apologized? that's what I want to know.
I also agree with Melissa in that marital sex is a God-given blessing. When will we (and our husbands) realize that it IS okay to speak frankly with each other about our needs? I think we should not be angry at the pastor who has given his life to sin, but lift up the pastor and his church. We should also allow the knowledge to open up conversations within our marriages.
P.S. 'Or hairy white ass, as the case may be.' No subtlety in OUR genes, eh?
Love You!
~Sandy
All puns aside, I would start by saying that this is a wonderful opportunity to never waste a minute on Mark Driscoll's blog again. You unfortunately have led me into the sin of completely pissing away my time while polluting my brain. I am of course referring to the time I spent on Mark's blog researching this post. You and I both now need to repent for all the seconds that could have been used combing nose hairs or whatever other edifying task can be done instead of ingesting that strange trash into our brains. I will further say that I read several other of Mark's posts in order to come up with this rather opinionated opinion. In short, if you are reading this reply and haven't read Mark's blog, please note: In spending several minutes on his site, vicariously reading his blog for you, I took one for the team, so you don't have to. (There's a Bud Light commercial there just dying to get out.)
I read the posts and I read Mark Driscoll's Gestapoish set of rules to keep the pastor from accidentally being in touch with his congregation (work from home, only accept e-mail from other pastors, keep you cellphone number a secret, These people sound more like used car salesmen, or movie stars in hiding, than spiritual fathers.) If the path to avoid drunkenness is not to drink at all, if the path to sexual purity is to never talk to your congregation, etc., then I think I'll throw my lot in with the real Gnostic Dualists. After, all, they are a lot more interesting, and their strange mystic rituals beat the heck our of "Oh Lord I lift Your Name on High" All I can say is that:
a. I'm flabbergasted,
b. I'm flabbergasted,
c. WHAT THE %$#& does an ugly fat frigid slovenly wife have to do with picking up gay hookers and doing meth.
This is not the result of misdirected marital ambition. Any man knows that sexual desire for women that you aren't married to has NOTHING to do with the physical appearance of your wife. And anyone with common sense knows that if I'm gonna lust after someone I'm not married to, it's gonna be a woman, not a gay meth dealer.
Mark manages to completely circumvent the real issue. None of his bullets say, if you are hooking it up with gay meth dealers, don't get into ministry. Ted Haggard had demons to deal with his whole life, and since he couldn't achieve victory in his own struggle, formed a strong platform against others who suffered from the same affliction. This is a classic reaction often noted by the patricidal and incestuous, but somewhat insightful Dr. Freud. The real story here is that hypocrisy sucks, and sin undealt with literally destroys and kills. We need to pray for the Haggard family, and for all those who have been betrayed. How unfortunate of a situation this is.
Here is a good general rule: When I have healed myself of spritual despondency, pride, lust, greed, gluttony, anger, sloth, and envy, I will begin to work on these issues in others. When I have managed to lovingly heal all of the fat and proud people in the world, I'll start working on the people with the sins that neither I nor those around me are struggling with. I've never seen a mega church directed at healing the obese, or the proud. I've never seen a church that deals with lazy, or the angry. When will people learn to deal with their own sins rather than comfortably focus on the rare gross sins that they never commit.
I'll get off the Rant-O-Matic 3000 now. As I said at the beginning of the post, Mark Driscoll is nothing to get excited about. I wouldn't get yourself too many more keystrokes close to carpal tunnel syndrome over his opinion, after all, everyone's got one :)
Peace out, Peeps!
This poor cat must think of himself in that twisted position to God... always having to keep shiny on the outside, "available" for ministry, never really being intimate himself because he thinks there's something he's gotta prove or earn. Feeling obligated is not the same as adopted. God's pursuit of us made us desire Him, His love made us beautiful, not the other way around, but he must still not know that.
The situation seems to be that Driscoll is just like Haggard... his own sin situation and issues have never been crucified, so they comes bubbling up into his life, poisoning his ministry. Unleavened bread analogy here. They both need forgiveness for their strings of very poor choices, and prayer that the Holy Spirit shine some much needed revelation into these guys' lives.
It does seems common that when one is high profile, the enemy of God buffets extra hard as to turn outsiders away from the church & mock Christ. If one isn't ready for that - mature, submitted to death-to-self, intimate with God, and Holy-spirit led - any little bit of the natural man left intact is subject to great scrutiny and will be used against you. I don't think there is an exception to that. Following Christ will cost you everything.
I'm not suggesting that a minister should try to be perfect, of course, the ones with the most (overcome) failures give the best grace - but should be actively seeking to lay down their lives, love fiercely, forgive as they are forgiven and be very, very honest and transparent. Isn't that why we're to confess sin to one another - not for forgiveness from some priest, or to show how "better" we are now that we attend church regularly, but to be accountable, open and honest with one another, helping us grow and heal, keeping pride firmly squished under the big shoe of perspective?
Jesus loves both of them, anyway.
And I have to say, ALL OF US (especially ministers) need to submit our sexuality to the cross and not be so smug to think we're exempt even if straight/celibate/married/or other "religiously acceptable" sexual status. If we don't, it will tear us down sooner or later. If we do (a life-long, ongoing process, I know) He gives us back something beautiful to enjoy and to reflect and represent His great love for us.