Alternative Field Sobriety Test
Tuesday, July 17, 2007 at 12:27PM Part of what I love about karaoke night is that it isn't one of those times when people just come into the Tipperary to get plastered. The crowd, although quite jovial, almost never gets out of hand. Last night, however, one of the patrons exceeded his limit and staggered into That Guy territory.
If you're dealing with relative strangers, making a judgment call like that can be difficult... unless you're at karaoke night. With rare exceptions, drunk people at karaoke are easy to spot because they will do at least one of three things: a) come lean on the rail beside the stage so they can peer at the words on the monitor; b) get on stage and try to sing backup for the person with the mic; or/and c) dance in a way he/she believes to be provocative.
That Guy wound up doing all three, with the honor of the private table dance falling to a friend I'll call Sue. Having stumbled off the stage, he stopped in front of her, flung his arms out and pointed to himself in the universal "you want some of this?" gesture. Then he started doing his best rendition of The Chippendale Dance.
Sue and her husband -- who had left just a few minutes prior -- are regulars, and some of the sweetest people you'll ever meet. They're churchgoers in their mid-fifties and the songs they perform are all squeaky-clean... so That Guy's choice of tables couldn't have been more comical to his friends. Sue laughed with them for a second, but the moment she started looking uncomfortable, I was on my feet.
Within the span of four long strides (sometimes it's nice being tall) I was standing at her table. I smiled at him and, in tones loud enough for him and his friends to hear, remarked, "Don't bother, honey -- she doesn't have any ones." He looked himself up and down, then gave me an indignant look and demanded, "What's that supposed to mean?" He apparently thought that was my bidding price. He spread his arms wider to offer me a better look at the goods.
I gave him a cursory glance and then made sure I had his full eye contact again before I shot him a withering look and deadpanned, "She doesn't have any quarters, either."
life
Reader Comments (3)
That kind of dancing could get That Guy arrested. Seriously. In the town I live in, the Chippendales spent a night in the clink a few months ago because their routine violated some city ordinance against lewd behavior.